


The Soul of Paper

by LoverSnapper



Category: Original Work
Genre: All Printers Are Possessed by a Minimum of Seventeen Ghosts, All Technology is Haunted When You Really Think About It, Cursed Academia, Gen, Printers Are Just Extra Haunted, Self-Care is Smashing the Shit Out of Technology, They Add Them In at the Factory, deadlines, original character do not steal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22218328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoverSnapper/pseuds/LoverSnapper
Summary: Kohlon, enterprising acolyte of academia and drinker at the fount of knowledge, is ready to pass her final test.What lurks in the corner of Lab 104-C, though, is an evil far viler than she could have ever imagined.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Exchanges After Dark Birthday Bash 2020





	The Soul of Paper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sweepingdonut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweepingdonut/gifts).



> Helpful note: If any parts of this story bear any resemblance to any other work you think you may have once read and/or seen parodied somewhere, it's probably a sign you're hallucinating and should get some sleep.

Kohlon clutched her USB drive as she slipped into the building, the grooves in the plastic leaving lines in her palm. Thirty-six hours awake, her body given over to the influence of caffeine and cursed potions: Red Bull, Five Hour Energy, Monster. In only three hours she would have to meet her professor and turn over her hard-won treasure, eighty-five pages on _The Ethicality of Poultry_ , and then finally she might earn the title she'd lusted after for so long.

First, though, this one final task. A magic no less obscure and no less archaic than that of the alchemists of old who turned iron into gold—taking information and making it physical.

And, for that, there was one more place she had to visit.

Kohlon slipped into the lab two hours before it was set to open, using the arcane magic of having a teaching assistant ID. She slipped past the rows of computers—all of them sleeping, the quiet breathing of their fans and the soft amber lights of their power switches the only signs the beasts still lived—and headed towards the back of the room.

There, the monster rested. It seemed dormant, almost tame, but Kohlon knew better. Legends told of how this creature had ruined the hopes and dreams of so many acolytes like herself. It hungered for knowledge, they claimed, and it knew when a student needed it. When it could most easily tear to rubble the future of anyone who dared depend on it.

 _It's only a printer_ , Kohlon thought to herself, angrily. _It's not sentient. It can't feel my fear._

As she stepped closer, she popped the protective cap off her USB drive, exposing the plug.

Humming, gears grinding, the printer's cover rose. 

Kohlon pulled back. 

Its drum digging into stiff pulped parchment, the printer slowly blinked to life. It flickered its lights, making its input tray clatter, its output tray twitch. 

"Stop," Kohlon heard herself whisper. 

There wasn't enough light, and besides, the side of its machinery was covered with ink, so she couldn't tell if it had evil writ in its plastic. But she didn't need to see it. 

"Dear IT, help me," she prayed under her breath. 

The machine let out a slow printer hum. It sounded like a printer, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a printer that was not a printer. This looked like a printer, like most of the college's printers. But this was no printer. 

This was evil manifest.

She could feel it with visceral certitude. This was something as obscene as a tenured professor's own grin.

With one hand, Kohlon dug her fingers into her unwashed sweatshirt, hoping to find some comfort in the week-old grime. She was jammed so far back against her computer desk she wondered if she might topple the solid mechanical mass.

Her instinct was to lash out and touch the file thing with her TA powers. Her job forever destroyed the essence of a person, creating in the void a total and unqualified devotion to academia. In that way, those condemned to failing truthfully confessed their heinous crimes of plagiarism and shitty essays—or their innocence. It was the ultimate means of witnessing the glory of starting projects more than twenty-four hours before they were due.

There was no immunity to the touch of academia. It was as absolute as it was final. Even the laziest and most drunken frat-bro had a soul and so was vulnerable.

Her power, her unpaid job, was also a weapon of defense. But it would only work on people. It would not work on a printer. And it would not work on wickedness incarnate.

Her gaze flicked towards the USB drive, checking the distance.

Perhaps if she hurried, perhaps if she showed no fear, it wouldn't realize how quickly her deadline approached.

Kohlon drew closer. The printer shuddered, tensed, and spurted ink onto Kohlon's face.

It let out an electronic hum that sounded like a laugh.

 _No_ , Kohlon thought. _No more_. Long enough had she suffered under the tyranny of the printer that was not a printer; long enough had her fellow TAs worshipped at the false shrine of Ink and Paper in hopes that this time the cursed machine would take pity on them. Today she would not use her wits, or her prayers, or her powers of bargaining. Today she would not go and prostrate herself before the Lords of IT in hopes they might deign to protect her.

Today, she would use the oldest battle tactic of all.

There was a chair to the left of her. Kohlon hefted it above her head until the plastic wheels rolled parallel to the ceiling tiles. And then, with a strength borne from desperation and rage and six years of oppression, she brought it down. 

\---

**FROM** : IT HELP DESK  
**TO** : GRADUATE STUDENT LIFE MAILING

To all graduate students:

If you have any information on the acts of vandalism committed in Lab 104-C at some point between the hours of 3:30 AM and 5:30 AM this morning, please contact ithelpline@oxxu.edu. We are very interested in getting to the bottom of this matter.

Thank you,  
IT Help 

\---

**FROM** : Unknown Address  
**TO** : GRADUATE STUDENT LIFE MAILING

THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED. ALL HAIL OUR SAVIOR, KILLER OF MONSTERS, DESTROYER OF EVIL.

_Attachment: deadprinter(1).png, deadprinter(2).png_

**Author's Note:**

> With zero apology (and slightly under 42% credit) to Terry Goodkind.


End file.
